“On the ground I look to see, nothing there interests me, take a breath, head held high – be the unexpected” Emo-teen circa 1995

My previous post ‘This is not an invitation’ recounted my exploration of the admittedly rare and frankly surprising perception that I’m intimidating, with the welcome comment from Mimieux that “maybe that intimidation comes from a woman being so brazen about her sexuality?… even with all the sex bloggers and women talking about their sexuality, it’s not the norm, far from it.”

Is that true? Is there still a “Women write about sex shock“?

I know so many strong, hot, confident women who are extremely open about their sexuality. Is that because I deliberately surround myself with these wonderful inspiring people? Befriending them, reading their blogs and – lucky me – sharing sexual experiences with them.


Gif reproduced with thanks to Mia (and to my man for capturing and creating)

Are we drawn together like kindred spirits, the result being my naivety about the general consensus of women’s sexuality? My perception is different, I don’t find these women intimidating, in fact, I find their confidence extremely attractive.

Happily married hot horny women who are explicitly open about their love of sex and kink are still perhaps all too rare. This is why I love Lily from How I Met Your Mother, possibly the only example of a married woman character in the media who is happy in her marriage and openly sexual. She’s smart, sassy and talks openly about sex, countering the ‘typical’ media representation of the nagging wife who always ‘has a headache’ or any of the other tired female stereotypes.

Mimieux suggests there are “two main representations of women, a virgin/whore dichotomy. This stereotype goes back further than anyone cares to remember, going back further than even Shakespeare, depictions of women in Renaissance portraits, saintly glow and with a child (that the man wanted) or as a whore (that the man wanted to have sex with) – either way, these women are being depicted as objects for the man to use.

Look at Ugly Betty, a popular TV show with Betty as the heroine. She was quiet and timid yet spoke her mind, but she was ugly, with few social skills so her sexuality didn’t even exist on screen. Romance, love interests, perhaps, but sex? You’ve got to be kidding!

Compare her to older sister Hilda who had her first child before she graduated from school, who dresses in a provocative manner, and knows she’s sexy, and she uses it to her advantage – she’s not happy either – men only use her for sex, her body, but they don’t want to stick about after and talk to her or get to know her.”

I know women from the more vanilla flavoured parts of my life who would certainly be shocked at my exploits given how they perceive me, especially those who could happily slot me into a hetero-normative box. Even those who have me on Facebook and see my club photos could easily delete what doesn’t fit their model. “She kissing girls…well, she’s just affectionate…”

These are the same women will openly admit they find buying a sex toy is shocking and ‘weird’. I’ve witnessed conversations between these seemingly intelligent, attractive young women comparing notes on how to put off their partners from having sex – lying about ‘being on’and pretending to be asleep are their top two favourites. Baffling behaviour to me, sex is amazing, such an incredible thing to share, the possibilities and options are endless. It shouldn’t be a chore (and I personally I like blood.)

Clearly this mismatch of ideals steers me towards those that share a common interest, the wonderful kinksters I call friends. We often joke that my idea of ‘normal’ is so skewed I don’t really understand what ‘the norm’ is anymore when it comes to sex.

Mimieux told me she’s encountered women having difficulty in discussing sex and certainly there is a difference in topics for discussion with the different groups in my life. In relation to the strange behaviour of others she suggests “maybe women fake their periods because their man doesn’t know how to please them, or they’ve never experienced ‘good sex’. I know a lot of girls who have never come from penetration, who have boyfriends that they love dearly, with all their hearts, but who have never given them an orgasm and that baffles me!”” It baffles me too but could explain why I recently saw adverts for a well-known sex shop offering ‘workshops’ on sex with a tag-line along the lines of “Find out what he wants”. Well, my reaction was “Ask! Talking is hot”!

Perhaps I am spoiled with open, communicative lovers and the freedom and confidence to express my own desires?

Mimieux reflects on this saying “I am bizarre. I am bizarre for loving to give blow jobs, for liking the whole ‘daddy’ thing, for being into pet play, for doing it in the doggy position rather than with the lights off and missionary, for not liking dates, and for my older man fetish. The beauty of the fetish scene is that EVERYONE is bizarre and everyone is beautiful or attractive to someone, with many overlapping kinks. We are a community, and we aim to be 100% inclusive of all.”

Good Puppy Walkies Now

Happily ruined puppy – walkies now….?

Mimieux suggests that there is a reason us kinksters stick together, safety in numbers. “None of us are slutty, because we all are” Sluts of the world unite; we have nothing to lose but our shame!

Plus there’s such openness with the information we share online, Fetlife for example, that we’ll start interactions with people by sharing intimacies that we wouldn’t share with the rest of the world. I would suggest this helps overcome inhibitions and provides early opportunity for discussion of all things kink, safe knowing there won’t be judgement.

I hope ‘From the Mouth of Babefiend’ helps to counter some of the perceptions, the derogatory stereotypes about women, the tired clichés. I have had the most wonderful feedback and support applauding my honestly and openness, finding my true stories of smug-unconventional-marriage an inspiration. Thank you to everyone for their comments, let’s keeping working together for a sex-positive perception for all.

With thanks to Mimieux for her collaboration.

9 thoughts on “Perception

  1. Those are wonderfully delicious looking pictures! If all humans were in touch with their sexuality and comfortable with it, then they would all realize that it is nothing to be ashamed about. Nobody should be demeaned about their sexuality. As long as you are not hurting anyone, then what you do sexually should be none of anybody else’s business. I love to eat a nice wet and juicy pussy, and I love dick too. I am friends with other people who like the same… I am a member of a swingers’ club. It is so nice to be around othes who share the same thoughts and live similarly. I am glad that you are surrounded by others who feel similarly to you as well! I believe we need to become more comfortable in our own skin and accept other’s. With all of our differences, we all need to be accepting of everyone or we will destroy ourselves… oh wait, we are already destroying ourselves. Well, it is nice to think about anyway! You are inspiring and uplifting! We need a SEXUAL REVOLUTION!

  2. Intimidation comes in talking like this (leaving this comment). I am painfully aware of how much ‘icky’ attention people get and don’t want to be ‘that guy’. As such I often withhold comment or observation for fear of coming across as a creeper. That and being married makes one worry about showing appreciation for sexual artistry in case someone gets the wrong idea about why you show an interest.

    I admire people who can be that free and open, and their artfulness in writing, photography and living without compromise. I write, but still feel constrained. Acutely aware of the social pressure to conform and the opprobrium that comes – as often from self-styled progressives as anyone else – when you step out of line.

    And then some of the enjoyment is vicarious, which also leads into the intimidation. As men’s sexuality is re-framed as dangerous and unwanted, raw expressions of female or couple’s sexuality challenge one’s sense of self control and test the suppression of one’s own sexual expression to the limit.

    1. Thanks for your comment grimachu (and your tweets too) I can understand how you would have reservations about leaving comments, aiming to avoid being ‘that guy’ – again, I think that comes from a place of perception, some will read your comments as they are intended and there is the risk that some will mis-interpret them. What I think is important is your intent, be genuine and truthful then you can be confident in your words.

      Do you really think that men’s sexuality is dangerous and unwanted, needing to be supressed? I would hope that most have a healthy level of self-control. We are constantly surrounded by images of sex, in advertising and on the internet, I would hope most men cope with this without being pushed to the limit? x

      1. It’s more that we are constantly bombarded with the _idea_ that we’re dangerous. That we’re all potential rapists, sexual timebombs, not to be trusted. The truly crazy stuff is limited to radical feminism, but we see often enough the ideas of ‘schroedinger’s rapist’, objectification and so on that – as a ‘dude’ – I don’t feel able to express attraction, appreciation or desire without checking myself and agonising over it.

        Every time a woman glances behind herself, sees you and quickens her pace or crosses the street, you die a little inside.

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