I recently encountered a situation where my boundaries were crossed; I wasn’t hurt and came away just fine though I was shaken and suddenly hyper-aware of my naivety.
I have received a sweet genuine apology with confirmation that my uncomfortable feelings were completely unintended and actually came from a flattering place of wanting to make a connection with me and to encourage my sensuality. No harm done and an important lesson learnt in being more careful and clear about expectations.
Our discussions bought to my attention that certain assumptions can be made about me from this blog. An image created from the gifs and erotic photos I proudly display and my explicit descriptions of sexual acts. This brought to the surface a niggle that had been troubling me – as much as my blog acts as a handy “How To guide” for lovers to push my buttons, is there are potential danger that anyone would see it as an open invite? An agenda of what to expect? An itinerary of an encounter with Babefiend?
This isn’t the first time I’ve pondered my internet image, I often wonder how I compare in person, the ‘real me’ against ‘Babefiend from the internet’? I was once referred to as ‘intimidating’ so, ever the social media whore, I threw it open to the hivemind receiving a variety of answers from hell yes to hell no! An interesting experiment in individual perception, my conclusion being that those who display more self-confidence tend not to find me intimidating at all. All contextual of course, meet me for coffee and chats and you’ll get a very different experience to meeting me at a club, jolly, bouncing and half-naked.
So let me clear up any potential assumptions for you, no matter what your individual perception – I have an extraordinary life, for which I am grateful. I have extraordinary lovers and I show my gratitude for our shared experiences through my gift of words. I love to share these words with you, dear reader, but unless I know you, you’re super-hot and I say you can provide the (s)inspiration – that’s all I’m sharing.
This comes down to the fundamental rule of all things sex and kink.
Sharing my experiences online does not give you consent to try to repeat them. You cannot make the assumption that because I do these things that I will do them with you. This blog details experiences with those I am connected with, amazing people that I trust and love. I choose my friends and lovers carefully.
The most important thing to remember about of the experiences I write about?
Consent has already been agreed.
Without wanting to speak on anyone’s behalf please apply this to all sex bloggers, in fact to all people – all of ‘em! Never assume, check your expectations at the door and seek consent.
This is a blog, a hot diary of my experiences, not an invitation to participate.
43 thoughts on “This is not an invitation”
Well said and glad you got through your experience un harmed, in-tact and still able to enjoy doing what you do.
When it comes to consent, ‘yes to this doesn’t mean yes to that’ period.
Consent is a line that is getting crossed more often (or maybe more people are speaking about it lately) and hopefully this is a sign of things to come where not just more people speaking out on the scene, on and offline, but the people who cross those lines are being made accountable and urged to reconsider the way they are.
No matter what you write, no matter how many people you involve in your real life, or fantasy escapades, you consented to them.
Great blog as always
Thank you Domchef, I think you’re right, we have a social responsibility to make sure things are right and the issue of consent is so important. .
I’m proud of myself for discussing it, both with the person in question and here openly on my blog. x
As a general rule I have only ever found people to be lovely when they finally meet me in person. There have certainly been ‘fan’ moments where people are slightly dumb struck to realise that they have finally met their ‘blogging hero’ (their words not mine) and also the odd occasion where I was fairly sure that they were amazed to meet their ‘wank fodder’. There have been the odd moment where people have made assumptions about me, about what I am prepared to do, they assume they know my relationship with Michael and can comment on it and me…. as if I am object they can discuss with him rather than a person. Despite being D/s is not keen on that at all.
I think you are right about consent. What we write and share as sex bloggers we give consent for people to read, watch, enjoy etc. As you so said, it is not an invitation for anything else… unless we tell you it is but you will know if we do! 😉
Thanks Molly, so glad you agree. You are right, someone will know if I am giving them an invitation, I’m not subtle 😉
I’m sorry anyone would speak about you as if you are an object, whilst I appreciate that has merits within a D/s relationship, it’s not right for strangers to do. Ever.
I value your opinion, thank you for your comment xx
Sorry to hear that you had an unpleasant episode but I’m glad to see it wasn’t too detrimental and that the person in question realised their error.
I can’t say this is something that has directly affected me, my relationship is a closed one and I’m not in any kind of scene in the community. What I have found in reading other blogs and listening to other writers is that there is at times an assumption that if you identify as ‘submissive’ it means you are therefore submissive to every/any one. Nuh’uh. Nope. I’m hoping that this notion will begin to fade with more awareness of BDSM lifestyles.
You hit the nail on the head with concentrating it down to consent. Let’s hope that this post here is a marker for any potential contact you have – perhaps it may prove useful to put it up on its own page alongside the. Home and About page?
Lady P you are quite right, this post will act as a marker for future contact and does deserve its own page. I shall do that, thank you for the suggestion.
I’m glad to hear that you’ve never had an unpleasant experience. You raise a good point about making assumptions about roles too. Submissive friends have told me that some doms make that assumption; just because they identify as a sub that automatically means they will sub to them, not understanding submission is earned and given, not a right. Awareness is key and I’m sure your blog, and others, will help counter that notion. xxx
This is 100% on the money! and having met you at decadence after everything I know about you from here and twitter, I can say totally you are NOT intimidating, you are so lovely and sweet… Maybe that intimidation comes from a woman being so brazen about her sexuality, and that might be … Can’t think of another word for intimidating… to less experienced, or open individuals. Even with all the sex bloggers and women talking about their sexuality, it’s not the norm… Far from it. This brings up gender roles and sexuality and I could write a dissertation on that. But for now, just keep doing what you do, and screwing who you screw 😉 :p xxx
Thank you sweetheart, I’m glad to hear you don’t find me intimidating, it’s not something I would aim for! I hadn’t considered the gender and sexuality issues and you’re right, perhaps this is a topic for a future collaborative blog post? *kisses* xx
Collab blog post about gender roles? On it. I think it’s ok for guys to be all SEX SEX I HAVE SEX WITH EVERYONE YEAH … But women have to be restrained and controlled… Fuck that. Mwah! Xx
Fab, I’ve sent you a really rough draft for comment, addition and discussion. Thank you. x
My experience is something of the reverse. As a male sex blogger, I don’t get people assuming I am an open invitation to any or everyone; the assumption I do get – sometimes – is that I myself am aiming to proposition anyone and everyone I find. Couldn’t be further from the truth, but I’m a boy, so gender stereotypes come to the fore, along with the odd suspicion: “hey, he’s a boy, boys don’t write sex blogs, what’s going on here?!”
What I do get – or used to, since MSN closed down it’s become more difficult to do so – was the occasional innocent flirt online, but that was in no way an attempt by either side to get sex, in any particular way; it was just sex blogger banter, which seems to the casual (or nervous) outsider like serious flirtation, but in my opinion is just a cheeky discussion about sexual tastes and preferences.
I haven’t experienced prejudice as far as you have, Babefiend (and I’m assuming a lot of other girl sex bloggers would say the same thing, sadly), but I think that, even so, a non-gender-specific preconceived idea springs up around sex bloggers in general sometimes, assuming our tendency towards being open about sex equals being open for sex, or trying to get it all everywhere.
Almost as bad as the idea that sex bloggers are constantly having orgasms with all and sundry. Almost! 😉
It’s not so!
Thanks for leaving a comment, it’s really interesting to hear it from the point of view of a male sex blogger, a rare-breed as you quite rightly point out.
I would agree, there’s an assumption that being open about sex and open in my marriage means I’m open for anything, which just simply isn’t true.
I’m actually really, really picky and quite shy…and already quite spoiled with the most amazing lovers – the chances of finding a way into my heart, head or pants would take quite some work indeed!
(Not to put off any potential suitors trying of course, a girl likes to be flattered….and have options!) I hope to hear more from you soon x