Sometimes I look within at the dark perverse side of me and it scares me. My evil twin, she calls it.
She brings out my evil twin. She makes me want to do very bad things. All the play, the filthy fun things we do, I want to turn dark and humiliating. To anyone else, I am pushing her boundaries the way I know she wants, but inside I feel like I am waging this battle with myself. What am I capable of doing? How far would I take it? Why do I enjoy this so much? Why do I like hurting her?
I love her. Does this make it harder? Sometimes, but then this side of me takes over and wants to see her suffer in the most delicious and nasty ways. It stops being about what she wants, it’s about what I want to see her do for me. My sick entertainment.
She’s a keen pup. She will bounce around your feet, begging for strokes and attention; and everyone around her obliges. Of course they do; She is beautiful and playful.Then she wags with glee and everyone praises her for being such a good pup. I want to wipe away that glee. I want to destroy the keen. I want to put a dread into her so strong she tucks her tail between her legs and cowers. I want to twist all of those fun things she wants to do into something else, something dark.
Even when she looks reluctant, or disgusted, she is obedient. But it takes more than that to get a pat on the head from me.
I promised I would get her a dog bowl of her own. I am looking for the perfect one. One I know she will love, one that matches her playful pup side. But it comes with conditions that make all that keen drop away. The bouncy pup becomes still, she doesn’t look too happy about getting a dog bowl of her own any more. Her head has dropped, she’s pouting, frowning, looking at me with petulant eyes yet avoiding my gaze.
I am grinning, wide and evil. She knows I mean it.
I am learning to enjoy my evil twin, to let her out. In those moments I am not afraid of the dark, I am relishing it.