My self-esteem takes on split personality when I become aware people that want to fuck me.

I’m not referring to Dredon or other trusted lovers, their sexual energies and verbalised filthy intentions make me all of a quiver (if occasionally a squirmy-shy hidey-face puppy).  I’m referring to strangers, especially those seemingly masquerading as new’ friends’ who then reveal a single-minded ulterior motive.

I’m both flatted by the attention when I realise sextastic intentions; of course I want to feel desirable, hot and totally fuckable, but I also feel indignant “I AM a person too, don’t you want to get to know me first, or at all?” There’s something about being seen as just a sexual conquest that makes me feel ick.

I am still somewhat surprised to be pursued as a potential fuck, a hangover perhaps from all those years of being married and ‘off limits’ in the vanilla world? Even though I’ve been non-monogamous for some time I’ve never actively pursued dating and the concept is somewhat alien!

Dredon and I were 18 when we had our first ‘date’, watching videos in his bedroom at his parent’s house. I’ve not dated in the traditional sense since. A majority of my filth explorations for the last 14 years have been with Dredon, any ‘dates’were as a couple. Prior to our reframing everything was done together ‘with everyone involved and everyone having fun’. Solo exploration, meeting and dating people by myself offers opportunities, excitement and a certain amount of finding my feet.

How does grown-up dating work? It seems teeming with accepted unwritten rules. How do you know where you stand? It all seems very sexually driven and weirdly, despite the content of this blog, that puts me off! I’m all for making new friends; if there’s a connection and a sexual relationship develops naturally then brilliant but it’s not my sole goal.

There’s something in the presumption that I would automatically want to fuck someone that puts me off too. Please do excuse the hypocritical under-tones in this statement, I appreciate that’s exactly what I wanted on my birthday –a random stranger who would appreciate being offered the opportunity to fuck me – but in my defence it was my birthday and I was feeling rather sexually charged and foolish!

I certainly never know what do with the statement “We should play some time”,talk about piling on the pressure and obligation!  Even if I fancy you saying yes means that anything less than play would be a disappointment but I already know I’d crumble under the pressure. Ask me to hang out instead, or to go somewhere fun, I’m usually horny so if there’s mutual attraction all you have to do is flirt, flatter and tease. Making me work for it is more likely to achieve results and leave me thinking “Well, that was unexpected and amazing!”

The thing about finding partners, play partners or even friends is that the best ones come when you’re not looking. I certainly wasn’t looking for a husband when I met Dredon at 18, though it didn’t take long to realise I wanted to spend the rest of my life loving him and having adventures. Marriage was a natural progression, not something I was seeking. Searching specifically for a date or a play date has a tinge of neediness about it. It’s one of the reasons I’ve closed down my OK Cupid account.

I want to meet people in real life, preferably pre-approved friends of friends to become friends first with no obligations and no expectations.

I’m not interested in people who aren’t interested in me unless they stand a chance of fucking me.

It’s not just me; close female friends tell me they feel the same.“like you, I want let things develop naturally on a no expectations basis. This leaves you to be free to just be friends, or fuck on the first date if you chose, if the mood is right…”

I think it’s the reason so many couples fail in their “Unicorn hunting” attempts.
How often do you hear the story of the couple looking for a ’third’ and posting adverts on Fetlife like “Wanted, Bi-fem aged 20-30 to play with us both’ I’m not surprised they can’t find someone with that approach. Most people want to feel special and when a couple start posting about wanting anyone who fits into a specific label it just makes me cringe, they clearly don’t care about personality or feelings.

I wonder if that’s what I am to some, I check the boxes of vaguely attractive female with some semblance of intelligence that likes sex and has a pulse. Will I “do” just because I fit your bill or are you actually interested in me?

So to clarify, whilst I like to know you want to fuck me, don’t expect that you can, there’s no obligation that I will and if I think that’s ALL you want, you stand no chance!

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