My marriage is over.
I said that out loud for the first time this weekend and immediately followed it up with appreciation that I still get to live with my best friend, how we’re still very much in love and how lucky we are to support each other through the end of our marriage. . If we were a ‘normal’ mongamous couple we would have parted without consideration of what alternative amazing thing we could have instead, luckily we’ve never been conventional. It’s a beautiful thing, it’s a rare thing.
Just like the 13 amazing years we spent smugmarried, loved up and committed, not everyone gets to experience that. We explored kinks together, had amazing experiences, he collared me and I became his puppy. I am blessed to have had those experiences and shared them here on my blog.
We played with others and made connections but we had a rule, “as long as everyone’s involved and everyone’s having fun.” We always had our kinky experiences together, it was our shared journey. Everything was for the benefit of us as a couple.
It stopped being a shared journey last summer and I struggled; I became jealous for the first time. I had a really hard time seeing what was developing between my husband and Pup that was separate to me; I wanted to embrace polyamory but it was new and so different to what I had before, which I had considered to be pretty perfect.
Jealousy is seen as an irrational fear. It’s born of insecurities and worries about loss and abandonment. The multitude of books on polyamory will tell you to admit those fears and counter jealousy with reasoned argument. I tried; I wrangled over it for months, sometimes feeling better but always plunging back down into darkness, despite unwavering love and support from them both.
Sometimes, jealousy isn’t irrational; sometimes it’s a signal that something is changing. My lack of control over the change was scary and fear makes us act in strange ways. I was hurting and distressed because my relationship was changing, my husband was changing.
I became a contradiction; I so wanted to be happy; I wanted to be Ok with everything, consistently. My idealistic relationship model saw us all having freedom yet I felt possessive and fighty to keep what I valued so much.
I wanted to feel compersion when I saw the connection between them but it hurt and it hurt too much to bear, especially when they developed a D/s relationship and I was no longer being collared, we weren’t in that place anymore but they were.
Pup wanted to love us both freely, and always has. The darkness drove a wedge between my own connection with her, an undeniable fire that was put on the back-burner. She could see how distressed I was and she never meant to cause hurt, she never meant to take anything away, only add.
And he, he loves us both and wants us both. He hated hurting me but can’t change the way he feels and what he wants.
I understand what they have is different, a different love, a different dynamic and that he can absolutely love more than one person and yet, the image I had of ‘my husband’ was that he could never hold anyone else as important to him as I was, but Pup is. She’s that special.
We’ve both changed in the 14 years we’ve been together. We got together as experimental teenagers at 18, grew together into kinky adults and now there’s something else, something new, something that makes him glow. If I keep expecting him to act like my image of ‘my husband’, if I keep thinking we can get back what we got, I’m going to drive myself crazy. I can’t live in a state of missing my marriage, missing my husband, missing being his puppy or fighting to keep it the same. I love him; I have to let go of this image I have of him. I have to let him go.
‘A couple’ cannot exist in the new dynamic we have, in sharing ourselves with Pup and with others, including our amazing developing connections with Uncle and the Fiend. A couple comes with an expected hierarchy, with couple’s privilege and expectations. I am no longer part of a couple.
It is sad for us both. I enjoyed being his wife, being his priority, I loved being smugmarried and I was so proud of our relationship. I can’t keep panging for what I’ve lost because it’s making me blind to what I DO have. I am loved, very loved by so many people and I have an opportunity for much more independence, for developing existing relationships without boundaries, to reignite my own connection with Pup and for new relationships, new exciting developments.
So he is no longer ‘my man’,he’s Dredon and whilst we’re not a couple we are amazing individuals with strong love and connection. We still have a future together, it just looks different to the one I predicted.
I’m a planner, I work well knowing what the future holds and this new unprecedented path is providing some personal challenges, luckily both Dredon and Pup are still beside me, holding my paws and guiding me onto my new path, along with so many supportive friends. Lucky me.