“What are you?” Her eagerness is endearing and I can’t possibly bring myself to darken her hopeful face with a sarcastic response. Resisting the urge to spit something condescending and witty in reply, I take a deep breath and attempt to explain why I find that question so challenging.
Ok, clearly I’ve baffled her because despite my best efforts to articulate my thoughts she’s looking at me like I’m speaking Martian, head cocked to one side, furrowed brow, mouth in a thin line. I am speaking English, right?
My answer isn’t fitting into one of her boxes and it’s making her uncomfortable but she ploughs on regardless. “I’m a sub; I’m looking for a Dom. Sometimes I’m a babygirl, I had a Daddy recently but it didn’t work out but I’ve been chatting to a new Daddy online and doing tasks for him and he said he’ll fuck me in the arse because my husband won’t.”
Wow. Now there’s not much that shocks me and honestly it’s not what she said because hey, if that rocks your world, good on you, go for it – but it’s the fact I’ve just met this person. This naïve cherub in a 50s dress who introduced herself using her online name and is now back on her quest to pigeon-hole me.
“So are you a Domme then? What are you in to?”
*sigh* My inner monologue snipes “polite people actually” Hush you, be nice, she could be shy or perhaps she thinks this is acceptable?.
Whatever happened to “Hi, nice to meet you, my name is Blah have you had a good day? Have you been to this event before?” What happened to subtlety? I know this is a munch and the one common denominator is that we’re all proudly somewhere of the scale of kinkster, but I like to at least exchange pleasantries before I start discussing my sexual dynamics and preferences.
Or what about chatting to someone, getting to know someone in person, establishing you have more in common than shared perversions then webstalking them later for the filth?!
Giving her the benefit of the doubt, with the possibility that talking about such things in public might be her fetish, I try again, determined to be the mature one in this conversation even though I find her barrage of questions fairly offensive in both content and approach.
I explain I’m still new and learning, my behaviours and reactions can change, from person to person, situation to situation. Sometimes I surprise myself and that’s a good thing. In this wonderful world of kink I am ever evolving; every new experience sparks something new to explore and I am open to it all rather than boxing myself in.
I’ve had some of the best experiences completely unexpectedly. Things that perhaps never would have happened had I approached them with a mindset of “I am X, therefore I like Y and reject Z”.
Whilst there are labels I can relate to, girl, wife, friend, pansexual, I haven’t found a typical kink label that fits. I have never found myself easily falling into a pre-determined role; whilst I know some amazing people who relate with being a Dom or a sub and feel it was made for them, I don’t. I appreciate how defining yourself in this way can be useful in terms of managing expectations or establishing your starting point but I don’t like to be confined by ‘rules’ or presumptions associated with some labels.
Brain blown, she looks at me blankly before screwing her face into a petulant pout, practically stamping her foot in a frustrated tantrum at my refusal to fit into her neat categories. Without these, she has no idea what to do with me, how to treat me or what to talk about.
“Well, if you’re not a sub or a Domme, you’re a switch then” she states. Her patronising tone suggesting that sentence continued in her head “like….duh!” She flounces off with a look of self-satisfaction, gratified at having successfully slotted me into her spectrum of expectation, oblivious to the irony that ‘switch’ is just another box that I don’t relate to.
Trying to fit me into your pre-conceived notions will make me cranky. I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, and sorry for you if you look down on me for it, like I’m not kinky enough but I am comfortable with just being me.
And let’s try to find something else to talk about first, yeah? Seen any good films recently? Been to any clubs?
I have learnt more about myself since this ‘my first munch’ experience and perhaps the answer to “What are you?” would now be “puppy” or perhaps it would still make me recoil and want to give the first comedy answer that comes to mind “I’m just a waitress”.
Or perhaps I’m not kinky enough? That’s fine.
Either way, please don’t put Babefiend in a box.